In Beauty And Chaos

I know time heals all wounds. But not this time! Not this wound. This one has changed me forever. Every time I  see my new scar, I am reminded that I am a survivor, and I am resilient! Because of my scar. I am reminded that what tried to hurt me in the past has actually made me a kinder, and stronger person, to face in the present. Because of my scar I am alive!

~it’s been just over two months since my emergency surgery. I can’t pretend to be all better, because, that’s not my reality. So on the advice of my family doctor, I went to see a therapist.
I told her that physically I was getting stronger everyday and didn’t understand why mentally I sometimes struggle with unwanted fears, and unwelcome bouts of anxiety.
My therapist diagnosed me with “PTSD.” I however am having a hard time with this diagnosis, because I never imagined, and actually questioned if I had truly, suffered trauma??? I also question whether taking on this diagnosis makes me weak and fragile? Is PTSD truly mine to now carry?
I left with more questions than answers and felt even more conflicted.
A few weeks later, I had coffee with a very dear, old friend of mine and she said the same thing to me as we both shared our stories of survival. She made me realize that I do have PTSD. I did indeed suffer a traumatic experience and that this has been a personal, and mental, struggle for me, that started after my first major operation eighteen years ago, and has since then escalated, especially over the past few months.
It’s ironic though that I don’t feel sad or angry about it, because I know that bad things happen all the time, to all of us, and honestly I tend to gravitate to broken people like me. They are the ones who live, and love life, with more vigore, gratitude and hope. I have come to realize that our hardships can sometimes lead us to our real life purpose and I have found mine. Telling our stories, and owning our life lessons, so others know they are not alone.

I know I have been blessed with so many good things in my life. I live for moments that are filled with laughter, and love.
I now take the time to appreciate the beauty around me, savour my joys, enjoy the good things, and love my family and friends with a whole heart.
I am grateful for every sunrise, and sunset I see. I pray to God every night that I get to to see it all over again tomorrow.

I have chosen to continue to see my therapist so she can help me make sense of my new thoughts, and emotions, and I will try to not let my mind wander too far away from me. I don’t want to stay in a place of “trauma.” and “what ifs.” I want the opposite. I want to be happy.
I will continue to write my way through it, to heal, as I always have, and I will continue to always choose love over fear.

Love Love

Modesta

Leave a Reply

*